One Day at a Time
by pelirroja
Summary: Remus Lupin learns to move on the summer of 1996 with the help of his friends
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Many thanks to Sveltskye, for the finishing touches; Gryffinjack, for the encouragement, and keeping me on my toes; Alezandrian, for perspective; and the rest of the WWR pack for the support.

Disclaimer: I admire JK Rowling for the fabulous world her imagination has created; I have made no profit from playing in her vast backyard. The words that follow are mine, other than a few quoted lines from the final chapter of _The Order of the Phoenix_.

**The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.**

**~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross~**

One Day at a Time~ The Starting Point 

Remus Lupin paused at the doorway of Twelve Grimmauld Place, exhausted after yet another long day at the Ministry. On only one other occasion had he felt so utterly drained. Tomorrow he would return to the Ministry and the process would begin anew, explaining the events of six days ago to a group of Aurors yet again. With the reactivation of the Death Eaters and the return of Voldemort everyone over the past few days had been interrogated several times by Aurors. This left precious little time to do Order assignments. Staying busy was good in that it provided one with little opportunity to think, and Remus didn't want to think about the events of the past week just yet. Much to his dismay, this was proving to be difficult, since every time he entered headquarters half a dozen people seemed compelled to ask him how he was feeling.  
  
Arthur Weasley came up behind Remus giving him a weak smile; the two of them entered together. Remus was sure that Arthur was hoping there would be several people at headquarters tonight. The other evening had been terribly uncomfortable since it was just Molly, Arthur and Remus. Arthur and Molly seemed to be walking on eggshells whenever they encountered Remus. In fact, last night, Molly had made note that Remus seemed to be very much his usual self with one exception- he was quieter than usual. Remus was heartened upon entering to realize there would be ten in total for dinner that evening. The idea of getting lost in the in the crowd was an attractive one.  
  
"There you two are!" came the slightly too animated voice of Molly Weasley. "Well, we can all sit down to eat. I'm sure that everyone could use a nice, hot meal."  
  
For a second, Remus considered stating he was not hungry, and then he realised it was just easier to sit and push the food about his plate than to argue. In any case, the din of the surrounding conversation would provide a welcome distraction. If he just kept busy enough until sleep overtook him, he would not have to think. His body was aching, telling him to retreat to bed, but Remus knew that, as exhausted as he was, he was still too alert. He would wait until much later to retire. Then, if he fell right to sleep, he wouldn't have to think. If he were especially fortunate, his dreams would be bland or nonexistent.   
  
A low, feminine voice brought Remus back to the present. "Things still tense down at the Ministry, Arthur?" Emmeline Vance asked guardedly.  
  
"Afraid it is, but considering the number of proven Death Eaters who were employed there, it's only to be expected," replied Arthur, sounding a bit more irritated than he probably intended. "There is a bit of over precaution concerning who is loyal to whom."   
  
Kingsley Shaklebolt added in a resigned tone, "I wish I could do more to make your jobs easier, but now that I have been exposed as a member of the Order I'm afraid I spend my days answering the same questions over and over again! They just haven't a clue about what we all..." Kingsley's voice trailed off there, clearly suppressing the anger in his voice.   
  
Serving himself from his personal hamper, Mad-Eye Moody gritted his teeth as he spoke. "If Fudge had been this bloody careful a year ago none of this would be necessary. If you want to talk about who's really to blame for-"   
  
"Well, this stew is delicious, Molly," interrupted the merry voice of Nymphadora Tonks. " I missed your cooking this week at St. Mungo's." To Remus, Tonks appeared to be back to her usual self, having spent five out of the previous six days at St. Mungo's. Well, truth be told, there was a difference; she seemed to have acquired Molly's overly animated, positive tone. 

_Each of us has our ways of covering, _thought Remus. _Does she miss Sirius as much as…_Remus knocked over his wine goblet, causing a minor stir.  
  
"Not to worry, not to worry," said Molly, as she cleaned up the ensuing mess. "Emmeline dear, could you lend a hand?"  
  
_Brilliant, just brilliant, could I possibly__draw their attention any more? _  
  
Emmeline Vance looked compassionately at Remus as she refilled his goblet. There was a bitter and wounded tone in her voice. "Day after day you trudge back to those fools at the Ministry who understand everything and nothing. You must be beyond worn-out." She paused as though considering carefully her next statement; her pale blue eyes meeting his gray.

_Diversionary tactics immediately required; I am fooling no one. Breathe, breathe, that's it ...Harry...shift their focus. _  
  
Remus decided to tell the group about an idea that had occurred to him earlier that day, when he had overheard for the umpteenth time, "Wonder how young Potter is getting on?"  
  
Remus slowly and carefully chose his words, regaining his controlled veneer. "I thought that I might meet the Hogwarts Express when it comes in tomorrow and see how Harry's faring. Perhaps a little chat with Harry's Aunt and Uncle when the train arrives tomorrow might be in order as well. Judging from what Harry, Ron, and Hermione have described, I believe that the Dursleys will need a little reminder regarding their duties. They seem to be a bunch not overly encumbered by the burden of intelligence. I assume the effects of Albus' Howler have more than worn off." Remus paused before asking hopefully, "So, is anyone up for assisting with the job?"  
  
"Well, of course Molly and I are going to be there anyway with Fred and George," replied Arthur. "I daresay your fears are well founded, Remus. Their utter indifference and neglect towards Harry have been both a blessing and a curse. I think it quite wise to, as you suggested, issue a reminder."  
  
"I would like to go too," said Bill, "but Emmeline and I have business to follow up on at Gringott's tomorrow. Be sure to give us a full report, though. If half of what Ron has said about the Dursley clan is true, then the sooner someone speaks to them the better."  
  
Kingsley Shacklebolt, Dedalus Diggle, and Mundungus Fletcher also begged off, citing Ministry duties, surveillance, and a business arrangement.  
  
"After everything Hermione and Ginny told me last summer, I'm in," stated Tonks. Her voice then acquired a sharper tone. "Don't look at me like that, Molly." Molly Weasley, her mother hen instincts working overtime, had clearly been about to tell Tonks that she needed her rest. " I am fine to go and meet the train; I need to...to...do something! You know, my father has always been fond of this Muggle saying 'Walk softly and carry a big stick'. The way I see it, the more the better."   
  
"I'd be happy to look 'em in the eye and see that they know their place, as well as reiterate the consequences of their failing to comply. That kind does not respond to subtle hints," added Mad-Eye dryly. "In fact, according to Hagrid, if I turned one of them into a pig…"  
  
"Well," said Remus, cutting him off, heartened to know he'd be in good company, "I don't know if anything that drastic is needed just yet, Mad-Eye. Although, the suggestion of swine might prove helpful," he added thoughtfully. Remus continued, now addressing the entire group. "The idea is to blend in with the Muggles while we wait, so no robes. Come attired in your Muggle best. Let's all meet here by say 10:00 A.M."

The rest of the evening Remus managed to blend quietly into the background. The group eventually dispersed near midnight, and Remus was able to retire that night not feeling as downtrodden as he had the previous evenings. Sleep came almost at once with the images of trains, comrades, and promises filling his head.  
  
At 9:45 the following morning, a motley group assembled in the kitchen of Twelve Grimmauld Place. Remus was chatting with Arthur as Tonks, the last of the party, came through the door. She inhaled sharply as she viewed the others. The explosion of colour was quite overpowering even for her senses "Um,…just what is it that you all are wearing?"  
  
"Why, we always dress like this to meet the train," said Molly as she buttoned her red and purple stripped knit jumper with the pom-poms at the cuffs. "Is there something wrong?"   
  
"Er... of course not, Molly," replied Tonks brightly, still rapidly blinking her eyes. "I guess I'm just not used to you all in Muggle attire. Why don't you, Arthur, and the two leprechauns over there go ahead? The rest of us will catch up. Better not let the Muggles see this mob. We wouldn't want to attract too much attention."   
  
Molly rolled her eyes as she herded her husband and sons out the door. "I told the twins those suits needed better shirts. The white shirts are just out of place…" Her voice faded as they left the room. Tonks and Remus shared a knowing look; they knew the twins' shirts were the least of their problems. Fighting Molly's fashion sense was a battle not to be won.   
  
"All right, as Tonks said it's wise that we wait a few minutes before leaving," stated Remus as he watched the door close. "Two smaller groups are less noticeable. While we were awaiting your arrival, Tonks, we decided that Arthur should make the first contact with the Dursleys since he has met them before. The rest of us can then add our sentiments."  
  
"Actually, before we go... Remus," interrupted Tonks trying, but failing, to sound diplomatic. "We need to make a few changes with your attire, starting with that awful jumper. Where on earth did you get it? And Mad-Eye, that attire was popular in the 90's, but the 1890's not in 1990's! I know I nearly failed stealth, but you two clearly must have never taken Muggle Studies at Hogwarts. Whereas I am intentionally unique, you two and the Weasley clan are merely haphazard!"  
  
"Why, what's wrong with this jumper?" said Remus, sounding a bit wounded. "Molly gave it to me for Christmas the year I taught Ron. The trousers and the overcoat I've had forever. I don't really have anything else." He didn't want to attract undue attention at the station, but he didn't want to be late either.  
  
"Well, I think we can get by with minor changes," suggested Tonks, who now sounded guilty for hurting his feelings. "Perhaps if it is not too uncomfortable, you could wear the sweater backwards so that the orange RL is not showing, and next time Remus, navy blue shirts and black trousers should not be put together. I think the coat hides things mostly." 

Tonks now turned her attention to Mad-Eye and suppressed a giggle. She and Mad-Eye had fought this battle before. Attempting an exasperated tone, she said, "Mad-Eye, the plumed hat must go, as should that staff. Really, it's as if you walked in from one of those costume dramas my father is fond of watching on the Muggle telly. Right now you look like a combination Moses and D'Artagnan." Mad-Eye and Remus just gave Tonks blank looks as her reference flew past them. " Never mind, I think I spied a bowler hat on the rack as I came in. I suppose that would be an improvement."  
  
Mad-Eye dug in his heels, "I'll give you the hat, missy. The staff stays; it was your idea in the first place! Remember, walk softly and carry a big stick?" Remus had to chuckle to himself; this verbal spar was proving to be the only unforced, lighthearted exchange he had witnessed in days. He was finding the mirth somewhat comforting. All that was left was to Apparate to the train station.  
  
The train was just pulling in upon their arrival. Soon the trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione was walking towards them down the platform, followed closely by Ginny.  
  
"Ron, Ginny!" called Molly, she hurried forward hugging all of them. "Oh Harry dear--how are you?" Harry winced into Molly's embrace.  
  
Remus stepped forward, seeing instantly that Harry detested having yet another person ask, "How are you?" as much as he did.   
  
"Hello, Harry." said Remus quietly, trying to sound as normal as possible.

_I wonder if__my presence reminds him of our last meeting. Does he associate me with Sirius falling behind the v...No, we can't have images like that or I will not be able to continue. _  
  
"Hi." said Harry. "I didn't expect…what are you all doing here?"  
  
"Well," said Remus with a slight smile, "We thought we might have a little chat with your Aunt and Uncle before letting them take you home." As the rest of the group approached the Dursleys, Remus hung back and stood close to Harry as a protective force. As agreed, he allowed Arthur take the lead. He would not be hesitant to speak if necessary, but for now he was certain that Arthur, Tonks, and Mad-Eye would be intimidating enough without him. Harry needed him where he was.  
  
Vernon Dursley was a stubborn man; however, the group did seem to be making a dent into that thickheaded, and pompous skull. Arthur, Tonks, and Mad-Eye were making quite an impression. Remus knew that Vernon Dursley, like all bullies, would eventually back down when outnumbered.  
  
Tonks' voice cut through the air, "…The point is if we find out you've been horrible to Harry-"  
  
Remus, from the rear, could not resist adding pleasantly, "-and make no mistake we'll hear about it." The words were simple but pointed. Their implication could not have been clearer. Remus was a bit taken aback by the feeling that was coming over him. For the first time in days he had taken control over something; he had managed to accomplish a worthy endeavour.   
  
As the group concluded its business, Remus looked into the green eyes of Harry that unsurprisingly still held the pain of recent days. He put a firm but gentle hand on Harry's shoulder as he said quietly, but still in control as he felt the emotion rise within him. "Take care, Harry. Keep in touch."  
  
Remus stood alone, not taking his eyes off the son and godson of his dearest friends, as Harry departed with the Dursleys. He couldn't in honesty say that his pain had retreated, or that his sense of loss had abated. What he could say; however, was that he had made a difference, and that given, the tragic events of the last week, that was something. Yes, small though the gesture was, it was indeed something.   
  
With newly found resolve Remus joined Tonks, Mad-Eye and the others. 

_One day at a time. If I think about Harry's future I can go on, one day at a time._


	2. Interrogations

Chapter 2~~~Interrogations

_How many days has it been? One day blends so easily to the next. One day at a time. I thought that was the solution… my days never end._

A claustrophobic room in the Ministry of Magic held three figures—Two Aurors certain of their responsibility and rightful place in the coming war and a man who liked to think of himself, whenever he did think of himself, as beyond mere definition. The endless, redundant inquiries of the Aurors droned on; the answers, in turn, were just as repetitive. Remus Lupin's mind wandered again under today's barrage. _30 interrogations, 14 days and nights, 12 Death Eaters, 6 broken bones, 3 hospitalizations, 1 death, 1 departure, what will the sum total of the mathematics of war be in the final tally? _

"Are you not part of a loosely constructed organisation?" 

"We know of Tonks, Mooney, and Shakelbolt, who else is involved?" 

"The five of you just happened to meet each other and wander into a battle in the Department of Mysteries?" 

"Well, I suppose we could not expect more considering your background." 

"Are you expecting us to believe that students established D.A. without the influence of a similar adult group?" 

"Your kind's undue influence over underage wizards and witches, such as young Potter undermines…" 

_THAT CRACKS IT. _

Remus' voice was no longer quiet and controlled. Yes, it was still slow and deliberate; however, it had taken on a determined edge with belligerent undertones. "Gentlemen, and I do use that term loosely, I have come here daily for the last fortnight. I have answered insipid query, after question, after inquiry. In short gentlemen, to be succinct, I have had enough! Remus noticed that the one of the Aurors flinched as he looked to his older partner who merely seemed to view Remus with deepening contempt. Remus continued, he was resolved to put an end to this daily nonsense. "Either you two are hard-of-hearing, daft or a combination of the two for I have not altered the information henceforth delivered! Given that I believe our difficulty here is the latter and not the former I will attempt to make my position clear one, final time." 

The older of the Aurors interrupted. "Mr. Lupin, there is no need to raise your voice…" 

"No sir, you are quite correct there, not a need but in fact a requirement." Remus cut off any avenue for further debate. He continued, his words chosen precisely with his volume ever slowly increasing, "You may have the right to question my whereabouts, the right to question my activities, the right to assume that I am most dangerous if grievously provoked ---however, you have to no right whatsoever, to presume that I, and I assure you gentlemen I am not of a kind _"kind"_ at this very moment, that I am a threat to Harry. I would never endanger Harry Potter; I have in the past, now, and always had Harry's best interests at the forefront of any of my actions." 

Remus took a deep breath and regained his composure. "You have my statement as to my involvement in the activities of last month. Either detain me permanently now as the truly dangerous creature you seem to think I am, or end this folly now! There is far more important work that two skilled Aurors can accomplish in the defeat of the Dark Lord that is being encumbered by this needless charade!" 

The two Aurors moved quickly together in a hushed, hurried conversation. _Wonderful, you couldn't have just left out that last part about being permanently detained._

The elder of the Aurors looked at Remus with contempt as he said, "Very well Mr. Lupin, you are now permitted to leave. I warn you; however, that rogue activities are severely frowned upon by Mr. Fudge and the Ministry. I'd keep my nose clean and not try to sniff out trouble if I were you." With that the two Aurors left with a flourish. 

It was all Remus could do to keep a civil tongue in his head as he departed the Ministry. _Emmeline was right, these fools understand everything and nothing. Well, it is over now, just over---_"Bloody hell!" Remus had blindly walked straight into a lamppost. !!!! _Can't even see straight anymore! Walk it off, just walk it off, clear my head. _

Remus found himself wandering the streets of London, his anger just barely contained below the surface. This was uncharted ground for him. This walk seemed to be accomplishing absolutely nothing; indeed, he was angrier than when he embarked. _What is wrong with me? That farcical waste of time is done with, so why am I still so angry? If I could only just go back … never mind…thinking too much. _Eventually Remus found himself walking along the Thames near the Tower of London. His legs told him that the nearby bench was a requirement not a luxury. 

After a time Remus stood up and leaned on the wrought iron railing that lined the shore. _The water has always been peaceful before. Perhaps just standing here for awhile. I just don't understand why I feel like this….could it be…too much thinking that is the problem, don't think. Too much thinking and I can't function._ "What is the matter with me?" Remus asked the opposite shore, the anger still clear in his tone. The voice in his head that he had been trying to suppress all day broke free and answered loudly._ ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, AND I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES. _Remus shook his head to drown out the voice as he looked back from the horizon down to the base where he stood. _Oh God! _It was as if the answer to his question had leapt up slapped him in his face. Of all the irony of ironies, he was standing above the infamous Traitor's Gate. 

Remus' mind began racing with the onslaught of thoughts as he started to pace along the waterfront, the physical reaction to the internal debate happening within his mind and heart. _Betrayal has many forms Peter's is only the most obvious. SO WHO BETRAYED WHOM? AND WHEN? This is not one I want to face, this is what I have been avoiding, staying up every night to the point of exhaustion so thinking is not possible. WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOU REALLY LET YOUR MIND GO? Well, I have just acquired all the time in the bloody world to think; now that I don't have to face more questions at the Ministry. AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? Excuses for not thinking are wearing thin. Fine, Peter isn't the only one I consider a traitor, far from it. "Damn it! Don't think about it! OH, BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT SOMETIME. Why? _The internal struggle finally broke to the surface as Remus said bitterly aloud, "Why Sirius, didn't you ever…" 

An equally bitter voice from behind Remus finished his question. "…stop to bloody well think about the rest of us? I've been asking that same question to the water for a week now, and I think it's about high time we had an answer. It is just a little thing that I want---an answer, but I haven't gotten one yet." The voice came from Tonks, who had been standing off behind Remus observing for who knew how long. 


	3. Answers at the Gate

_SHE FOUND YOU AT THE TRAITOR'S GATE HOW FITTING…Stop it! I didn't mean to call him a…THE TRUTH HURTS DOESN'T IT?…He would never knowingly betray any of us… WOULD YOU HAVE HAD THE COURAGE TO FINISH THE SENTENCE THE SAME WAY? Enough, enough…what is she doing here? Where did she come from? Talking to the water for a week? Does she feel like I…No! don't think!"_

Remus slowly turned around-- his eyes closed, his teeth clenched shut. By the time turned to face her, his eyes were opened. Face to face with Tonks he stood as if stunned; he had managed to silence the Jekyll and Hyde debate raging in his head for the time being. He was not prepared to meet anyone he knew at the moment, especially Sirius' cousin. 

Tonks' voice had an unfamiliar edge to it. It no longer possessed the, sprightly animation that was it's usual hallmark. Lately the bright emotion in her voice had been a little too forced. It was her way to cover what she had been feeling. Remus had first noticed this subtle change at dinner the night before they had all met the train, knowing that this was how she was able to keep up brave appearances. There was nothing false in her tone now, it echoed with truth. 

"So do you have my answer? How do you manage to do it Remus?" She had now walked right up to him as they stood only feet apart at the water's edge. "How do you manage to go for longer than five minutes without being completely furious with all of it?" Her eyes, blue like Sirius' held his gaze with a fixed determination. 

Remus' response was guarded as he answered. He shifted his gaze just ever so slightly. He was now looking past Tonks towards the water. "I am not quite certain I have any answers for you. I don't know...that is...I don't understand exactly what you mean." 

Tonks shifted slightly so she again had her eyes, more piercing this time, connecting right to Remus'. "I meant exactly what I just said, Remus. How do you stop all this from driving you mad? At the end of the day, when you have only yourself, what do you do? No one wants to really talk about any of this. We all miss him, but it is more than that; I feel so cheated, and angry...angry at him most of all!" Her voice rose on her final words. 

Remus just stared at her hesitating about what to say. This was dangerous unexplored ground. "I don't know what you think I can give to you. As you say, we are all on edge about how we've been treated by the Ministry and…what happened._ HOW MANY MORE EUPHAMISMS CAN YOU COME UP WITH FOR DEAD? Change the subject. _"Tonks, maybe your mother…surely she must understand more.." 

"…more than Sirius' best friend. I think not! My mother wasn't there that night; you were!" Her voice was turning sharp, with an abrasive, accusatory sting that demanded the truth. "For the last week I have been asking the same question. Why? You know, at first I was just avoiding what happened that night, and now -----I don't know about you, but I am just pissed off! Why didn't he stop to think about the rest of us? You can't just stand here and tell me you don't know what I am talking about." Remus tried to reply, but was cut off; Tonks was practically spitting her words in Remus' face. "You can stop hiding Remus Lupin. You can't pretend that you aren't feeling even a little as I do; judging by the way you collided headfirst into that lamppost earlier, you are just as angry with him as I am." 

_SHE REALLY HAS YOU THERE DOESN'T SHE?_

Unprepared as Remus was for this assault of words both from Tonks and from his own mind, his calm veneer turned to ire as a new thought leapt into his head. Trying to maintain some semblance of control he stared at Tonks acidly giving his reply. 

"So, you have been talking to the water for a week? Alone? Really?" The words were meticulously chosen. "Thought you would have learned to lie better in Auror training; the lamppost was over by Trafalgar Square, so just how long have you been following me?" Sarcasm now dripped from Remus voice along with the anger, "Let me guess, Molly sent you to see if the werewolf is crazy? Or maybe it's Kingsley and Arthur wanting to know if I am going mad?" Remus took a step closer to Tonks, his eyes glaring, rage rising," How long? Answer me!" 

Tonks was not intimidated; she stood her ground unflinching. Her voice matched Remus volume-to-volume, tone-to-tone. "No one sent me and you know it; stop trying to change the subject." Remus just glared as Tonks went on. "Three days. I have been following you on and off for three days ever since the investigating Aurors finished questioning me. When I haven't been following you I've been coming here, only not this exact spot, the other side of the river. I have no new assignment for the Order yet, now that like you I have been exposed. In fact, I have no assignment of any type because less than a year into my new profession I betrayed the trust of the Chief Auror and aligned myself with an outside party----it does not matter to him apparently that the outside party is Albus Dumbledore! He made sure to remind me several times that he took a chance on me to begin with given my "unique exploits before I decided to grow up, train to be an Auror, and do something constructive." He feels betrayed that I did not trust him enough to come to him; as of now I am suspended indefinitely." Tonks' voice was now reaching an all time fevered pitch, and was attracting a bit of attention. "SO, I HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO FOR THREE DAYS BUT THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO SIRIUS AND FOR SOME BLOODY REASON I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND THAT!!!" 

With her final volley Tonks stormed off knocking Remus back into the railing as she strode by. Clumsy as Tonks could be, the shove was deliberate. Remus had nearly been knocked over backwards into the Thames. Once he recovered, he ran down the cobblestone walkway after her. She was approaching the ramp to the Tower Bridge by the time he caught up to her. 

"Tonks, wait a minute." He said as he tried to catch up to her. "Would you slow down?" She quickened her pace as she heard him behind her. She rounded the corner onto the bridge's walkway storming onward. "Tonks, stop!" Remus grabbed her arm; she winced in pain as she tried to shake him off. _Damn, that's the arm she fell on when she was wounded. If she would just stop and listen..._Remus felt a firm set of hands on the sides of his arms as he was pulled backwards. 

"Hey there! That is no way to treat a lady!" 

"Are you hurt, miss? Is he bothering you?" 

This exchange came from two Muggles. Probably tourists leaving the Tower grounds as it was now past closing time. Remus ran his options quickly through his head. _Great.. -can't use magic, I am outnumbered, and they each have at least 20 pounds on me. _The two Muggles were tightening their grips and were clearly ready to defend an apparent damsel in distress. 

"Let him be. It's all right, he's with me." Tonks' voice was now steady, "Please just let the two of us pass. Really, it's fine." The two Muggles looked skeptically at each other. Tonks took advantage of their confusion and grabbed Remus by the arm pulling him behind her. "Thank you for your concern, but it's fine... He's my older brother…just a family disagreement. We're just walking off some steam. Honestly, don't either of you ever have rows with your sibs?" The larger of the pair gave a knowing snort and tapped his partner on the shoulder. 

"Well, if you are sure you are fine." 

"I promise; I am." said Tonks convincingly. Remus decided his best option was to just stay silent and let his "sibling" do the talking. 

"All right then," responded one of the two would be heroes as they walked off, "Hope you two have a better evening then you were a minute ago." 

There was one final comment made by the other as they departed. "And be nicer to your sister bud. Mine only acts like that when I have really screwed up royally" 

Remus and Tonks walked side-by-side silently across the bridge to the opposite shore. They continued along the bank and came to pause at the railing so that they were now directly opposite from where they had started. They stood next to each other looking across the water each contemplating the surreal events that had just taken place. Neither spoke for awhile. The only sound was the water lapping at the embankment, and the din of the distant Muggle traffic on the bridge. 

Tonks was the first to break the silence. She did not turn to face Remus although she was clearly addressing him. She spoke to the opposite shore. "This is where I ask the water my questions. This is where I have been coming whenever I wasn't…wasn't …following you. I have been coming here so that I don't explode with feelings I have never had before." At last she turned to him, her voice softening, "How do you do it? How do you keep yourself from being angry with him for leaving us behind? I only just got him back; he was the only family besides my mum and dad I had left who was worth anything that counts. I know I still have my parents, but I could talk to him about our family history and …" her voice just trailed off there. 

"How do I do it? Simply, I haven't. You have a three-day advantage over me. Only today did I even begin to allow myself to think what you have just described. Every time I got within an inch of thinking about the loss of Sirius…My…let's just say my inner battle has been considerable." He paused before he continued, his chest tightened as he spoke what he had not dared to voice. "You're right. I am angry with Sirius; so angry in fact that I couldn't even admit it to myself. He was my lost brother returned, my last hope for a sense of family again and now that's gone." Remus stopped there; he never had thought about the cliché "the truth hurts" from quite this angle before. Anger burns to the bone. 

The two of them continued their silent vigil staring at the castle across the river. Both sets of eyes, no matter where they might look in brief avoidance, eventually came to rest on an archway of stone directly across the river. The archway was cold, foreboding, and labeled for all to see in fading Old English Print "The Traitors' Gate." This time Remus broke the silence. 

"How much do you remember from that day?' he asked hesitantly, "What is the last thing you recall?" 

"You don't have to protect me Remus. Why do you think I am so angry? Auntie Bella's curse may have found it's mark in knocking me down, but though I could not move I could still hear clearly." She paused again softly asking the water, "Why did you have to taunt her Sirius? Couldn't you have just gotten Harry out of there minus the bravado?" 

_So she does know. She heard it all. _. 

Tonks continued with a slow and steady voice, "So here I stand day after day asking the same questions, and the person I want to scream at is not here." Her quiet anger and resentment was more powerful than all the earlier shouted barbs. "As I look across at that stupid castle and the archway of stone the only thought that keeps rising in my mind is that Sirius was a traitor. He betrayed all of our efforts to protect him, to find him a future." Tonks paused again gathering her courage; she gripped the rail as she began. "There is another thought that seeing that archway brings to mind. It's that the real— 

"--traitor is you, yourself for even thinking such a thing." Remus surprised himself finishing her words for a change. He had been intently watching her profile as she addressed the water. She turned and looked into the gray eyes that wished they did not understand all too well. "I know, Tonks, because that is exactly what the infernal voices in my head have been hinting at for days. It is only just now that I can admit it." Tonks' blue eyes were now holding his gaze. "There is actually one more piece isn't there?" The honesty in his voice was haunting. "I am not ready to forgive him or myself yet, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that." Tonks nodded silently in agreement, a reluctant kindred spirit. 

Time passed as silence again reigned. Each lost in their own thoughts mingled with those of the other. The water and the evening air were at last working their magic and soothing heads, tempers, and spirits. Eventually a wry smile came from Tonks as she turned to Remus and asked her next question. 

"So… tomorrow, can I come here again with my "older brother" to talk to the water?" Then seriously she added " I feel like I started to find my answers with him today." 

A hint of a smile was on Remus' lips as he turned to Tonks, 'I suppose that could be arranged if "my little sister" doesn't try to dunk me in the Thames again when she gets upset with me." He paused before saying, "Maybe we can find some of our answers together. It may take awhile but—" 

"it's better than thinking too much, or thinking alone." Remus nodded as Tonks finished his thoughts yet again that day. "Remus, I feel my appetite coming back. Are you up for a family dinner tonight? " 

Remus allowed her to take his arm as they began to stroll along the shore. "Lead on little sister. Let's walk awhile before Apparating." 

_I am still angry with you Sirius, but now I think that maybe I am entitled to be and perhaps that is all right. Not as angry as I was, but tonight maybe I can dare to think before I sleep. Hmm… one night at a time, just like the days step-by-step. _


	4. Words to the Wise

Day 30~~~~21 July 1996

  
Centered at the top of the page, the letters and numbers flowed in an even elegant hand; after that, nothing marred the page's pristine perfection. The literal marking of time stood out in sharp contrast to the white emptiness of the remainder of the page. Remus paused after writing the date, realising the significance of today's journal entry.

_Thirty days, has it merely been a month? It seems like eons, and it is only one month. How keenly I know that "time and tide wait for no man", and yet, here I sit stunned at its swift passing. _

There were many words recorded on the earlier leather-bound pages that had for the past month served as the journal of Remus Lupin. Initially, the journal had served as a recording of the day's interrogation at the Ministry of Magic. Remus needed to keep all his facts straight so he could adequately report on what had occurred to the Order. He needed a way to focus his thoughts. 

It was hard to say when the journal evolved from the merely factual to the personal. It began with Remus denying his feelings, just sticking to events and interrogations at the Ministry of Magic. Then, slowly, his writings became more personal; there was anger at the Ministry, at the Death Eaters, at fellow Order members, even at Sirius, and himself. Lately, the entries were again changing in tone; they were more reflective, and peppered with the guilt of "if only I, I should have, and why didn't I?"

_Have I acquired anything of value in a month of thoughts and feelings I haven't experienced for almost fifteen years? With age comes wisdom they say; I don't know that I feel considerably wiser at 36 than I did at 21. What lessons have time and experience taught me? _

Remus stood up and walked about the room he had occupied for the past year. The room was sparse, yet functional. It contained the bed, the writing desk and the meager possessions that Remus had amassed in his life: a few sets of well-worn robs, the Muggle attire he had worn to meet the train, a leather case that had once belonged to his father, and books, piles and piles of books. He absentmindedly picked up a volumes and glanced over it, lost in his thoughts.

_It is amazing how often both wizards and Muggles discard knowledge as if it were yesterday's fish and chips. Books have always been a refuge for me, a haven, but what in all these pages have I ever learned about others and myself? Did I pay enough attention; what kind of pupil have I really been? If I had made other choices, what would have happened?_

Remus' mind continued to wander. He closed his eyes and remembered the details of a June day long ago that began with books being thrown away. 

Remus sat hunched in the common room armchair with his nose buried in his Guide to Advanced Transfiguration. O.W.L.s were now only a week away. He lifted himself up out of the chair looking over his shoulder upon hearing the noise coming from the stairwell leading to the boys' dormitory. The other three Marauders were coming down the stairs, brooms in hand. Remus slunk back down in the chair hoping not to be noticed. Maybe James and Sirius could play all day and manage excellent grades, but Remus couldn't; he had to work at it. He wasn't content to do as Peter either, and just settle for passing. Peter had his parents' store to fall back on; Remus had no such luxury. He was determined to master his studies to perfection; he needed more options than the others, and the only way to have any chance at a "normal life" was to learn everything about anything. For a moment he thought his presence would go undiscovered, that was until James leaned over and blocked his light. 

"So, Remus, you going to stay inside all day?" James asked, broom in hand well aware he was now a distraction. Peter and Sirius were still clamoring down the stairs having a mock sword fight with their own brooms.

Remus grumbled sheepishly, "Studying…O.W.L.s", and replaced his nose in his transfiguration book. 

"Well, Potions I could understand, given that interesting display of blue goop you and Peter managed to concoct last class." James now looked over the top of Remus' head toward the swashbuckling pair. They had finally made it to the landing. Sirius was mock holding Peter over the window ledge at broom point. Peter was overacting, pleading for his life. "Sirius, do let Wormtail up before he strains something, namely my ears." 

"Happy to comply Prongs; there are centaurs running mad in the Forbidden Forest suffering from his squeals," Sirius replied. As he released Peter, he tossed him back his broom, having earlier disarmed him.

"Remind me again, Peter," queried James, "Exactly how long was it that you and Moony were stuck to the table after the Coagulation Serum bubbled over?"

Peter rolled his eyes at James comment and squeaked, "Four hours. It took awhile for them to detach us since Moony couldn't remember which ingredient he put in at the wrong time." He now perched himself upon the window ledge, "How did you forget to add the rat's whiskers with me standing right next to you as your partner?"

"There you have it," interrupted James, who was now leaning against the fireplace, "You owe it to Wormtail to come and play with us. He blunders enough all by himself without your help." Peter slunk sheepishly further in to the window's recesses at James' comment. James took no notice and continued, "C'mon you know your Transfiguration, Moony. Snivellus is the only fifth year who is appalling inept in that subject." 

"Play with us today," snickered the mischievous voice of Sirius as he repositioned himself behind Remus' chair. " We can all 'study up' in three days time in our favourite hide-a-way. In fact, we can even invite Snivellus along to be tutored." Peter laughed as Sirius continued, his voice incredulous, "Transfiguration? Really!…as if we had limited experience in that area, Moony!"

Then, without warning, Sirius gave a quick nod and wink to his other companions. In one deft move, Sirius grabbed the book out of Remus' hands and tossed it to James who then lobbed it over Remus' and Sirius' heads to Peter. With an inspired gleam in his eye, Peter promptly threw the book out of the open window of Gryffindor Tower. 

Peter quipped, "Guess you'll have to come outside now Moony." It was the best Gryffindor Quidditch relay of the year-almost.

Remus starred at Peter jaw opened, Sirius was doubled over in laughter, and James was leaning on his broomstick for support trying to keep from doing the same. There were tears rolling down their faces until-

"Agh!" came a cry from below. 

Then a split second later, "Are you all right, Lily?" 

The laughter abruptly stopped. Remus leapt off the armchair and bolted to the window followed by James and Sirius, tripping over each other at his heels. The three of them nearly knocked Peter out of the window. There, dazed and prone on the grass below, was Lily Evans with a nasty looking bruise starting to form on the left side of her face. Remus' transfiguration book was lying open on the grass inches from her head. The only other figure was Emmeline Vance, a gangly, awkward, fifth year Gryffindor and friend of Lily's. She was kneeling next to Lily trying to understand what in Merlin's name had just happened. Apparently, she had not seen the book strike Lily; she had only seen her friend sprawled on the ground.

"Peter," growled Sirius not looking at Peter but still looking out the window trying not to be seen, "Is it even remotely possible for you to learn how to aim something? Of all the people for you to hit, you had to go and whack Little Miss Perfect Prefect on the noggin?"

Peeking over Sirius' head James added, "Terrific, and there is a witness, good old Vigilant Vance. It's only a matter of time before she picks up the book and sees that it belongs to Remus. I can't get a decent angle to retrieve it with my wand without being seen." 

Remus just groaned; a small crowd was now forming outside. He pulled back from the window with his hand on his forehead, "I have to work with her; she has only just started to speak civilly to me again."

"But it was only an accident," said Peter, desperate for a way out, "She'll understand it wasn't your fault. She'll give you the book back. I mean we can just say it fell out by mistake."

"Peter," said Remus looking at his feet trying not to sound exasperated, "She is never going to believe that. Books don't just leap out windows. I can just picture her giving my book back; she'll hex each page so that they detail my shortcomings! I can hear her lecture now, 'It's bad enough you can't control your friends, but **_you_** could at least set a decent example.' Remus picked his head up as he sighed deeply. That, is when he realized their numbers had changed. "James, Sirius, where's Peter?"

Peter Pettigrew had disappeared from the common room. Well, not exactly disappeared, he was there, but in a different form. James, Sirius, and Remus caught a glimpse of his tail as he scampered out of the window and climbed down the steep wall of Gryffindor Tower.

"What is he doing?" asked James a bit befuddled.

"Running away from trouble, what did you expect?" replied Sirius acidly.

Remus knew differently, as he exclaimed in awe, "No, he's gone to retrieve the book!"

Remus couldn't believe his eyes. Peter was actually going to get him out of this predicament; he wouldn't have to risk the wrath of Lily Evans after all. Silently he urged Peter on, holding his breath hoping he'd be able to reach the book before anyone noticed it wasn't Lily's.

The three of them continued to watch frozen from the shadows of the window as Peter at last reached the ground, and scampered across the grass. Before they knew it Wormtail had the book in his teeth and was struggling to climb back up Gryffindor Tower.

_He's got it! He is going to make it! Nobody will be the wiser!_

Remus' luck turned when with just ten feet to go, Emmeline looked up and realized what was happening. Her evidence was about to escape. She pulled out her wand and sprang to her feet, pointing her wand directly at her quarry.

"_Accio Rat._" A beam of barely visible white light hit the intended target squarely on its backside, but nothing happened. 

"_Accio Mouse._" Another stream was precisely aimed with the same results- nothing happened. Wormtail was now only five feet from safety.

Emmeline was staring open mouthed not comprehending why the spells hadn't worked. Clearly, she had hit the rodent twice. She was so shocked, she didn't realise that this animal had just skipped the last five feet and practically flown through her own common room window, nor did she notice James Potter's wand arm and head clearly visible for several seconds hanging out of the window.

_He made it! James or Sirius couldn't have pulled off a more daring rescue themselves. This really is cause for a celebration!_

James managed to grab the book from Peter's mouth and plopped him on the floor just as he transformed back. Peter looked both exhausted and very proud of himself as he rubbed his obviously sore backside. A hero's welcome; however, was not forth coming.

"You stupid git! What if you had been caught?" yelled Sirius clenching his fists, "You only made it back because James knew that _Accio Animangus_ were the words Emmeline wanted."

James continued, "Couldn't you just have waited? Sirius and I were going to toss other books out the window and cause a diversion so she couldn't tell which book had hit her. We can actually manage to aim away from people when we throw, or at the very least add a cushioning spell." 

Peter open his mouth and started, "But I tried…I didn't think…"

I'll say you didn't," interrupted Sirius cutting him off, "A rat, running up Gryffindor Tower with a book in it's mouth, didn't you think anyone would find that a trifle odd?" 

Peter was crushed; he had no reward to show for his Gryffindor bravery and daring. He looked back and forth amongst his friends his eyes at last rested on Remus looking for help. Remus said nothing.

Slowly Remus mind returned to the present and the nearly blank page of his journal. 

_How many times had Peter tried something and failed? How many times did I not tell Sirius and James to tone it down? For everything I learned in books, I never learned to risk honesty in the face of adversity. Could we all have been here together if only different choices were made? There is no deal, no bargain to undo the past. _

He walked over to the desk and took quill in hand, thinking a moment before he wrote today's entry: a quote from one of his well loved possessions, maybe it was not too late for him to learn something deeply personal from them.

**Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.**


	5. Finding Rest for the Weary

One Day at a Time---Chapter 5

"All right, Fletcher, explain this unique timing charm you've seemed to develop; it might just prove useful," stated Mad-Eye Moody as he unpacked his dinner hamper. 

"Now, the trick with 'em cauldrons is all in the engorgement charm; it's all in the timing. I call it me size-me-up, size-me-down charm." Mundungus Fletcher was apparently reveling in the attention from his rapt audience.  It was not often that Mad-Eye Moody paid any mind to his ramblings. "You want  'em to look bigger than they is jus' long 'nuff to transfer the money an' Apparate out. Then they can go back to normal size." 

"Well, managing that on a caldron is one thing," replied Mad-Eye considering this information, "It would still have to be tested on other objects. What do you think, Remus and Arthur, how well would this work on something else? 

"I don't see why it wouldn't work out; we could test it out after dinner.  There are enough odd items around here on which to experiment." Replied Arthur, he then continued, "What do you think Remus?"  There was no response; Remus was looking down at his plate. 

"Any thoughts on the viability of this charm, lad?" asked Mad-Eye who was now looking at Remus clearly wondering why he had not responded to a simple question. 

Bill Weasley gave Remus a quick nudge with his elbow; apparently, Remus had been on the verge of nodding off at the table.  Bill then continued in a joking voice, "Best really to answer them, even if you are a little tired of Dung's creativity, or my father and he will be at you all night with their ideas. Plus, it's never a good thing to keep Mad-Eye waiting when he has latched onto something."

"I am sorry; I am just a bit distracted with thoughts on my current assignment.  What was the question?" asked Remus, chiding himself for having almost dozed off in front of everyone. 

"Don't give it a second thought, Remus.  Dung and Mad-Eye will work it out.  You have quite enough to concern yourself with as our liaison to the vampire and werewolf communities."  Arthur then changed the subject, for which Remus was grateful.  He hated to be the center of anyone's concern.  "Pass the potatoes, will you, Dung? I will never understand how all the food always manages to find its way to your end of the table."

"I'll get them for you, Arthur. They did not come out up to my usually standards I'm afraid, with so many last minute additions to supper tonight." said Molly as she retrieved the potatoes. Mundungus was back fully engrossed in conversation with Mad-Eye. She then cast a worried glance at Remus, "I think Remus agrees since he has hardly touched his plate."

"They taste just fine, Molly," replied Remus raising an eyebrow, reaching for the salt. 

I hate it when Molly and the others try to mother me.  Lately, it seems that every time I turn around someone is asking me if I am getting enough rest, or if they can fix me something to eat. 

"Perhaps I could interest you in more stew, Remus?" suggested Emmeline Vance hopefully as she quickly rose to ladle some more onto his plate.

Not again! I am not starving.  Wonder who else will leap on this bandwagon? 

"Oh, and have some bread with that." Hestia Jones hastened to add, as she thrust a basket of freshly baked bread under Remus' nose.  "Tonks made it herself; quite hearty and good for your strengAHHgth." Hestia's voice had risen oddly on her final words.

"I am sorry Hestia," apologised a blushing Tonks. Evidently, the talents of a Metamorphmagus did not extend to disguising acute embarrassment.  "I must have kicked you when I uncrossed my legs." 

What was that exchange all about? I should just count my blessings; Tonks distracted them, and she, at least, is not trying to force feed me.

Tonks then continued, shooting a brief look at Molly but speaking to Remus. "I'll take the salt when you are done with it, Remus; the potatoes are a bit bland."

Remus gladly passed the salt; he had over-seasoned his remaining food, having been distracted by the sudden concern with his diet.  As he handed the shaker to Tonks, he couldn't help noticing the sideways glances passing among several of the dinner guests.  Not all seemed to partake; Mad-Eye, and Dung were oblivious, still engrossed in their conversation. On the other hand, there was decided interaction among Molly, Hestia, Emmeline, and Tonks.  In fact, unless Remus was very much mistaken, Bill and Arthur were exchanging knowing glances as well.  This pattern continued, much to Remus' well-hidden dismay, throughout the remainder of dinner.

A reprieve was finally granted when Arthur suggested that he, Remus and Bill should meet in the parlour to discuss Charlie's progress in Romania, Bill's inroads with the goblins, and of course, Remus' outreach to the werewolf and vampire enclaves. Albus Dumbledore would be arriving shortly with Minerva McGonagall and they would expect a coordinated and thorough update regarding the Order assignments in these unique communities.  Mundungus and Mad-Eye excused themselves as well, to test out their charm theory on several items in the rear yard.  As the men departed the kitchen, the women finally had a chance to speak freely. 

"That poor, poor dear.  He just is not taking care of himself; he has always been thin but he is just not eating properly. He needs to keep his strength up; his hair is going greyer by the day," sighed Molly Weasley as she shook her head.

"Agreed, Molly, but I don't think pestering him or embarrassing him is the solution," replied Tonks, spilling what remained of the stew on the table as she helped to clear it.

"_Scourgify"_ said Emmeline as she assumed her usual role of repairing Tonks' path of minor chaos.  She continued, "Well, I haveto agree with Tonks on that one; I don't think anyone responds well to nagging.  The problem is that Remus is one of the most quietly stubborn people I have ever met. He'd waste away to nothing from lack of food and overwork before ever admitting to needing help."

"I can suggest it, but as you say, I doubt he'd listen.  His independence and ability to keep going is what makes him so valuable to the Order. He is just not used to paying attention to himself.  The sorry state of his robes is proof enough of that," replied Tonks as she now started to gather up plates having put down the stew.

"C'mon, Tonks," hinted Hestia, as she collected the used utensils, " Are you saying you have no influence over him at all?  You two have been spending an awful lot of time alone together. Can't you suggest it to him on one of those evening walks by the water that you two have been taking?"

Tonks froze in place with the dinner dishes in her hands. She did not want to talk about the private conversations she and Remus had had about Sirius.  She had been trying to put that anger and sadness behind her, "Well, Hestia, we haven't taken one of those walks for awhile, and I'd rather not talk about what we discussed on those occasions. Besides, I don't really have that much influence over…"

 "Nonsense dear," interrupted Molly, looking over from the washing spell she had just begun, "You're the perfect one to make him realise he needs to take better care of his health. He really needs that gentle woman's touch; considering the relationship you share, which I must say is just wonderful to see…two people finding happiness together during times like these…"

Smash!  Tonks dropped the plates she had been carrying on the floor.  

"_Reparo._" muttered Emmeline with an amused gleam in her eye. "Molly, you and Hestia are about as subtle as a dragon perched on Big Ben.  If Tonks had something to tell us, she would have mentioned it by now." looking at Tonks, she then quickly added, "Or you would have mentioned it to me in private, at least, wouldn't you?"

Tonks eyes flashed with ire, exasperation and utter disbelief. "Please tell me that you three are not suggesting what I think you are? You cannot possibly believe that Remus Lupin and I are anything more than friends! Of course I care about him, but he's like an older brother and….Good Lord, Hestia, stop giggling!"

"But you seem so comfortable with each other," said Molly sounding terribly disappointed, "You two make such a lovely pair."

"Admit it, Tonks; it's not like he is old enough to be your father.  We have eyes, after all," quipped Hestia.

"Well then, you need to get some stronger glasses! We walk and talk and that is it; what we talk about is platonic. Hestia, your artist's romantic notions are working overtime; stick to painting lovers in your portraits. And Molly, I am no more interested in Remus than your youngest son is interested in pursuing Luna Lovegood!  Really, we are just two different people who are too different…" Tonks struggled for words as her exasperation rose.

Emmeline played the peacemaker, "All right, all kidding and suppositions aside, the fact remains that we have a problem here.  Remus is clearly quite literally working himself to death and with the full moon approaching next week, what are we going to do about it? Wolfsbane or no, the transformation takes a lot out of him and he can't be allowed to continue to go on this way."

No one noticed the arrival of the final two members of this evening's Order meeting.  The figures had been observing the scene for some time; Minerva McGonagall's voice interrupted the discussion, "That is the most sensible and logical I thing I have heard any of you utter in the last five minutes. I wonder if the sorting hat did not misplace you in my house. You are displaying some remarkably Ravenclaw tendencies, Emmeline."

As Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore seated themselves at the now cleared table, they looked at the four women benevolently as if they were once again their Hogwarts' charges.  The women shifted uncomfortably where they stood; it was more than just a little embarrassing to have been caught behaving like a bunch of gossipy teenagers by the heads of the Order.

As Albus Dumbledore spoke, they began to feel more at ease, "Your concern for Remus Lupin is quite admirable.  I am not oblivious to the fact that he has been exerting himself to the breaking point for the Order. I also know that Remus needs to work and to be occupied; it gives him a sense of purpose and belonging." He then continued with a twinkle in his eye, "The problem lies in marrying the two ideas, and I don't mean to suggest that Nymphadora is the solution."

Tonks smiled in vindication as the rest of the room managed to look sheepish.

Everyone seemed to consider Albus' words as the last of the dinner remnants were cleared, washed, and put away.  Their silence, however, did nothing to solve the problem at hand.  Clearly, everyone was mulling over the problem in his or her own head.  At last, as the tea was being prepared and the cake was laid on the table some ideas of substance surfaced.

"I think we are having so much trouble because Remus is not like the rest of us," said Hestia, "How do you get someone to accept help who does not want it?"

Emmeline supplied part of that answer as she set out the cups and saucers, "You would have to make him think that it is his own idea.  Mind you, I have no clue as to how you'd accomplish that."

"He is unlike any of my boys in temperament," responded Molly, "Although, like Arthur, he does seem to always need to be busy.  Only Arthur is not as organised as Remus is; he is not really what you would call a perfectionist."

Tonks spoke slowly trying to make her addition clear, "Well, the thing is, Remus needs to feel needed.  As independent as he is, he likes to be…no, no he needs to be relied upon.  He likes making a difference."

Minerva smiled at Tonks, "That is a very astute observation, Nymphadora.  It took me awhile to piece that together when Remus was a prefect in my House.  He never wanted special consideration due to his condition; he would not shirk his duties for any reason. If anything, he desired more responsibility than the other prefects; it was his way of proving to himself and to me that his lycanthropy was not a serious hindrance.  At the same time, when he did on occasion overexert himself, I found that a direct approach from Madam Pomfrey or myself worked best."   

Looking at all of them over the top of his half-moon glasses, Albus Dumbledore addressed the group.  "I believe you ladies have Remus Lupin's best interests at heart, but I also believe that the direct approach suggested by Minerva is best.  There may be a way to accomplish everything that you have suggested; I am actually in need of some specialised assistance just now at Hogwarts. As you know, our Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom is rather depleted at the moment."

Minerva gave a loud snort of indignation at Albus' last remark.  Although Dolores Umbridge was no longer a fixture at Hogwarts, her recent presence was not forgotten.  

Albus continued with a reproachful glance, " There is much to do to prepare for the first of September, and given the turmoil of last year, things are at sixes and sevens more so than usual. Despite popular belief, I cannot do everything with mere magic. Without question, Remus was one of the best Defence Against the Dark Arts professors Hogwarts has had in recent years; he would be doing me quite a favour if he came to Hogwarts to inventory the supplies and to ascertain what replacements are needed.  I believe he would accept this request were I to ask him. Furthermore, the pace of work is much slower than his current undertakings; it would provide him with the opportunity to recoup his strength prior to the full moon. Certainly Severus can just as easily prepare the Wolfsbane Potion there as here when the time comes." 

After Albus concluded Minerva added, "In addition, I will speak to Remus in regards to his health. Remus needs time to heal, and I do not just mean physically.  I am certain that he knows this even if his does not readily admit as much out loud,"  

Albus Dumbledore now stood as he spoke, "I believe we should proceed to the parlour so that we can begin tonight's Order business.  Minerva and I will approach Remus quietly and privately at the conclusion of the meeting."

As the group gathered up the refreshments and moved to the parlour, Tonks hung behind and sought a moment alone with her old headmaster.

"Thank you, Professor.  Remus and I have been helping each other get by this past month, but I know that I feel like I am finally ready for some time to be alone with myself and my thoughts. Remus, I am sure, could use the same time. Hogwarts will be good for him; I know you'll look out for my "big brother".  It seems like you are always watching over all of us; I guess I just want to say, thank you."

Albus Dumbledore smiled warmly as he said; "We shall take things one day at a time Nymphadora.  I cannot promise the result, but we will take things as they come, one day at a time."

 


	6. Memento Luna

AN:  My thanks again to Gryffinjack and Alezandrian for the beta help; I really don't know what I would do without the two of you.  Special thanks goes to The Good Doctor Monaco for help with the pink descriptions.  Also of note, part of this chapter was taken from my entry into The Forbidden Forrest Challenge.  That work stands alone.  It is an early version of what hopefully, I have done better here and in the chapter to come.

Chapter 6 ---Memento Luna

It was an odd sight indeed.   Remus Lupin stood behind his former desk in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. He was holding a frilly pink bow at arm's length between the tips of his fingers.  He had just plucked the bow out of the corner recesses of the desk drawer.  A curly grey hair still clung to it.

"Will the memory of this woman never end?" grumbled Remus aloud. He flung the detestable item across the room where it landed on top of the heap of garbage he had compiled. The heap was quite a collection: discarded _Defensive Magic Theory editions, out-of-date dueling charts, and _a never-ending supply of contraband laceration quills; they were among the many items Remus had amassed there this past week. The bow put the crowning touch on the memorial to the sanctimonious ineptitude of Dolores Umbridge.

Remus had spent the past week going through the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Albus Dumbledore had asked him to see, "what was needed for the fall term." Remus rapidly determined that the answer to that question was, everything.  Dolores Umbridge had decimated the classroom of its usual supplies.  There was not so much as a Fire Crab shell, or caged Hinkypunk to be found.  Remus sincerely hoped that the classroom's previous contents had been released deep in the Forbidden Forest.  At least there, they would pose no immediate threat to anyone. 

The classroom wasn't the only thing in questionable shape.  The quarters for the Dark Arts professor had also been "Umbridgised."  Remus had tried to sleep there his first night back at the castle, but found himself unable to do so.  The once classic frescos depicting Dumbledore's battle with Grindelwald that had majestically graced the walls were now gone. Granted the room color was now brighter, but two-toned walls of pink and chartreuse were hardly an improvement.  It was as if an entire crate of Droobles' Best Blowing Strawberry Gum had exploded on the walls. The alterations did not stop there. Lace curtains now hid the view of the grounds, and the windows had apparently been sealed shut with a sticking charm that made Mrs. Black's portrait look like it was hung with mere Spellotape. The worst, however, was her lingering perfume. It was undoubtedly purchased on clearance at _The_ _Pampered Witch. _According to the bottle that was left behind, it was_ Pernissa's Magnolia-Lilac Garden_; it still hung in the air like thick syrup.   As far as Remus could tell, the only improvement he had managed to make to the room was when he removed the chains that once had held hostage the broomsticks of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.

Given the circumstances, Remus requested that Dumbledore allow him to use the currently unoccupied students' quarters in Gryffindor Tower. Dumbledore consented, stating that, "Any Gryffindor would always have a home there."  It seemed like a good and logical choice at the time, but any home comes with memories.  

Each night as Remus retreated to Gryffindor Tower he was able to do what he had been avoiding for over a month; he now really had time alone to think.  At Grimmauld Place he never let his guard down, no one there really knew his thoughts, not even himself.  It wasn't that he hadn't thought about Sirius' death; it was the extent. This past month he had gone from denial, to anger, to avoidance, to self-blame.  Now that he was alone, without the worried eyes of others constantly boring into his back, he let the emotion come.  High walls, carefully built over time, came crashing down. He realized grief was inevitable, but knowing he would eventually come to feel it did not make it any easier.

Every corner of the Tower, every portrait, every window seat, every crack in the walls held a memory of his youth.  His mind was alive with flashback after flashback of what was and what might have been. Despite the happiness many of those memories held, they led back to one inevitable conclusion. Never again could it be.  Every night these emotions grew stronger as the pull of the full moon approached.

The thirtieth of July arrived at last. It was the second full moon after Sirius' death, the second this month. Remus was still in a state of shock when the first moon occurred; that wasn't the case now. As much as the full moon pulled the tides, it felt as though it was pulling his emotions to the surface with equal strength.  

Remus tried to distract himself by reading. He picked up a volume of poetry left behind by one of the students.  Even in books, he was not to find refuge tonight. The words of the first poem were haunting. 

Moon!  
Moon!  
I am prone before you.  
Pity me,  
And drench me in loneliness.

He slammed closed the book, picked up his goblet, and leaned wearily against the window seat.  So many times as a student he had found peace quietly sitting here; he looked out of the window towards the Forbidden Forest.  The sun was almost entirely down, and soon her companion would rise.

Remus sipped the final dose of his Wolfsbane Potion; in about an hour the change would overtake him. As he looked out of Gryffindor Tower towards the Forbidden Forest, the magical memories of his youth again came flooded his mind and stabbed at his very soul.  He could not shut them out.

All I want is to have us back the way we were at sixteen.  Tonks said it the best when she found me at the water's edge that day.

_"All I want is a little thing…"  _

_I know what she means.  It's not the Quidditch Finals, or House Championships, or Yule Balls I long to see again.  It is the little things.  All I want is just one more day of sitting around this room with Peter teasing, James joking, and Sirius laughing…all of us laughing.  What I wouldn't give to have but just one more day of laughter.  Any day at all, before the world turned upside down and we all lost our innocence.  _

Remus couldn't take it any longer; he had to get out of Gryffindor Tower.  He fled down the great staircase and out the front door. Once he was outside he just ran. With his energy sapped, he finally had to stop. He found himself at the edge of the Forbidden Forest just before the change overtook him. 

It was coming. Remus looked up at the second moon of the month as she rose, the rare Blue Moon, the moon that superstition said was supposed to bring good fortune.  The only good fortune Remus thought it might bring was a chance to escape the sobs that he was barely keeping in check.  They threatened to wrack his body with grief at any moment.  In the body of a dog Sirius had been able to think simpler thoughts: perhaps the same refuge would be afforded him in the body of the wolf.  

"_I am so tired of always being strong.  Why am I always alone? Even if we can defeat Voldemort, what is left for me?  All of the past is gone, there is nothing left--"_ then it hit him.  Just as the change began a final thought entered his head, "_Maybe everything wasn't gone; maybe there was still a link to the past_."  

Perhaps the Blue Moon did have some magic to work.  If it were not for the moon, he would never be able to reach what he now wanted more than anything.  How could he have forgotten what the four Marauders had hidden in the Forbidden Forrest almost two decades ago.  

In their daring as newly accomplished animagi, the Marauders had often entered the woods on nightly exploits. Padfoot and Prongs were large enough to ward off the creatures within. On one occasion, they had found a clearing where they could look up at the night sky. It became a sanctuary where they could transform back into their human selves--to retreat and to ponder their futures. In the uncertain world of the First War, the danger of the Forbidden Forest seemed nothing compared to facing the Dark Lord himself.

Remus had to find that clearing again. He entered the forest in the body of the wolf. He went forward on sheer instinct fueled by sorrow and desperation. Soon enough he found the clearing he sought, the moon illuminating his surroundings in an eerie yet magical blue hue. He could see the hollowed log in the distance.

_Let it be there. Please, let it be there!_  He paused to look up; his eyes wandered to the Dog Star. _Can you be looking down on this Sirius? Please, Sirius, let it still be there; I need it to be there._

In another moment, he was in their old familiar spot.  The log that they had sat upon all those years ago as they pondered their futures was still there.  It showed all the marks of time, but it was still there.  He pounded the log with his front paws until the decaying timber fell apart under his weight. A well-worn metal box previously concealed within was now revealed. He grasped the handle in his teeth as he departed the clearing.

By the time Remus made his way out of the Forbidden Forest and back to Gryffindor Tower, it was almost dawn.  There was nothing more he could do until dawn broke, and he could resume his human form.  He needed to be human to open the box without damaging its contents.

After the retransformation, as sore and bone weary as Remus was, he could not sleep.  He had to continue with last night's quest.

"_Alohomora", _although his voice was weak, the spell worked nonetheless.  The lock opened. With trembling hands Remus opened the lid.  He closed his eyes hoping he would not be disappointed; He needn't have worried. 

"It's all here; after everything, it's all still here." a solitary tear rolled down his cheek as he closed his eyes and breathed in the memory of the last time he had seen the contents.


	7. Echos of the Past

The first hints of daylight were peeking through the windows of Gryffindor Tower, where   every item in the room was dusted with the new morning's beams.   The room had taken on a glow that made everything seem reborn.  A calm, peacefulness filled the room. Even the timeworn, metal box on Remus' lap seemed newer in the sunlight.

For the first few minutes after Remus opened the lid, all he could do was just stare at the contents.There were eight items in all: four letters and four smaller boxes that were charmed to hold larger contents within, all prized possessions of the past.  Somehow, they had all managed to survive unscathed, tucked away deep in the Forbidden Forrest.  He gently ran his fingers reverently over the fragile and yellowed letters. He closed his eyes and put his hand to his forehead.  He fought for control under the weight over the emotion that was again coursing through him.  

Which should I open first? Am I ready to see their words again, after all these years?  Peter, James, and Sirius are all gone or lost; this won't bring them back.  Should I just take my contribution out and leave the rest?

No, Remus decided.  He had to do this; he had come this far and he needed to do this.  The only way to forge ahead was to face both the joys and the demons of the past once and for all.  There was no other way, and he knew it. He smiled to himself as this realisation over took him; if he were to be totally honest with himself, he knew all along that this moment was to be.  Time to stop hiding; time to really start feeling again.

Remus carefully lifted the contents from the box and spread them out before him.  One by one, he would open the paired items. Almost twenty years ago, the four Marauders had written a letter to the others about their time together, and had also placed a memento of that time of their lives in the box. This memento was to be something of significance in their lives.  It was to be something that would stand the test of time, something that they would all appreciate when "they were old and decrepit," as James had put it. The items could have been anything old or new.  Each Marauder never told the others what he had selected. They had arrived in the glen that night, contributions already charmed shut.  The question before Remus now was where to begin?  Whose letter and box should he open first?

Siriu,s this idea of saving the memories of the Marauders was yours in the first place. Although, I'm quite sure you never thought the contents would be reopened under the present circumstances.  I wish you were here with me now to see this; I wish all of you were.

"Okay, Padfoot," said Remus in a hoarse voice, barely above a whisper, "Since the idea was yours, I'll begin with you."

Remus picked up the letter and box marked "Sirius Black~~Padfoot".  His fingers hesitated above the box for a moment as he sighed deeply before opening it.  There was no turning back now.  At last, he opened the box before him first and caught his breath as an item he had not seen in years, but recognized all too well glistened in the morning sun-Sirius' keys.  He then began to read:

**My Fellow Marauders,**

 **This is not exactly my usual style. I find that mushy sentiment is usually best left to James these days. But I now see that I need to make an exception. The things this war have brought about, make me realise that I'd  probably be on the wrong side if I hadn't met all of you.  **

**So here is it is.  You may be wondering, with all the money my uncle left me, why have I chosen to put in my keys in this box?  All they do, after all, are start my bike and open the door to my flat. They are everything to me. The answer is simple; if it were not for all of you, I'd never have found my freedom.  They symbolize what you have given me. Without all of you, I would have been just as corrupted by the House of Black as Regulus is now.**

**So, brothers all, I thank you for my independence.**

**Padfoot**

Remus held the keys up to the sun where they sparkled in the light. The tears that silently ran down his face were mixed; they were both tears of grief and joy. 

You were always the survivor, Padfoot.  You stayed focused through it all: The House of Black, Azkaban, being one of the most hated me in the wizarding world.  Your independence was hard won. You have you freedom now, Padfoot. I know you are with James and Lily; you truly have your freedom now. No one will be able to take it away from you ever again.  

Regaining his composure Remus selected the next item.  The letter and box were identical to all the others except for the name across the front: James Potter~Prongs.

Could this letter be any more difficult to open than Sirius'?  James and Lily may have been gone longer, but there was never a day that went by that Remus did not think of them.  This was especially true after he had met Harry again.  

"Well James, I guess it's your turn, my old friend," Remus sighed as he spoke the words aloud, simultaneously opening James' box.  Soon another item was glittering in the morning sun: the golden Gryffindor signet ring that James always wore.  James had told them all once that the ring had belonged to his grandfather.  It had been forged in the shape of a roaring griffin that wrapped around the wearer's finger.  The eyes, which were to rest just below the knuckle, were comprised of two deep crimson rubies.

**Greetings to our Future Selves,**

**I am sure that by the time we open this, I will still be the best looking of our lot. Given family histories, I know I'll have all my hair ( Sorry, Wormtail.), it will still be black ( They say grey makes you look distinguished, Moony.), and I'll still be able to easily wear my Hogwarts Quidditch Robes ( Best really to lay off the Fire Whiskey, Padfoot.).**

**I guess you are all wondering why I put in the ring? It's more than just Gryffindor memories or bravado.  I now understand what my grandfather meant about my  needing "to live up to the legacy of Godric Gryffindor" when he gave me the ring.  From all of you I have learnt what real bravery is. It took awhile, but I have learnt that  it is far more than getting away with pranks on the Slytherins.  **

**Peter, I have seen your bravery in the way you silently endure the pain of malformed animagus transformations. You kept at it, until you got it right.  Sirius, my oldest friend from childhood, you showed me the meaning of bravery when you broke away from your family, and lost the riches that the House of Black could have brought you.  I suspect you are far richer now in things other than galleons.  Lastly, Remus, there is no one more courageous than you.  You silently endure lycanthropy with a dignity and forbearance by which I am constantly awed.**

**May our future Marauders continue our legacy.**

**Prongs**

God James, if you only knew…if only you could be here to see Harry.  He is more mature and generous than we were as fifth-year students.  His friendships are just as strong with two of the most wonderful people he could hope to know. Every time I look at him I see you and Lily…I'll not let him forget his legacy; although, he scarcely needs reminding.  You would be so proud of him, this fifteen-year-old young man--

Then it hit him.  How could he have forgotten what day it was? Harry was no longer fifteen; with the rising of the sun it was now 31 July, 1996.  Remus was rediscovering the Marauders and having a spiritual rebirth on Harry's birthday.  Last night's Blue Moon had really brought him good fortune.  

There were now four items left: two of Remus' own and two that were Peter's. What should he open next?   After a moment's hesitation, he picked up his own items and smiled at the recollection.  Some things never change.  What possession had he valued most all those years ago?  Remus felt an old friend return, as he charmed open his own box and saw the contents. The simple leather bound journal contained within returned to it's author's lap.  Remus then opened his own letter and reacquainted himself with the thoughts of his youth.

My Dearest Friends,

You all have remarked quite often on how you never knew exactly what I was thinking. Rest assured, you all became quite accurate in your guesses, as you understood me better. Before I met any of you, the only place I could risk revealing myself was in this diary.

It is all here, our seven-year history together; the good and the bad.  I know it's what made me who I now am; and I know I am much more certain of myself than I ever would have been had I not had all of you.  

I did not know what other legacy would be more appropriate to give to our future, than to bring back a record of the past.  I'm sure we have all idealised our adventures a great deal,. I am certain that , shall I say, embellishments have taken place.  This journal is not exactly Hogwarts: A History, but it is our history.

In the end, I guess my gift to our future is to give us the past. 

Moony

Remus sat very still after reading his own letter.  He was mourning yet finding peace at the same time.  The question was, did he stop there or should he risk ruining all the memories by opening the last items?

The Last of the Marauder…of all of us, I certainly never thought that it I would be me.  Had anyone ever asked me, I always thought I would be the first to go.  Without Wolfsbane, Lycanthropy would have taken its toll within ten more years. Although, am I the last? Peter still lives, if you can call what he has a life.

So, the moment of truth has finally arrived.  Dare I open Peter's items?  When did you change, Peter?  Was it all just an elaborate game to play us  out as fools even back at Hogwarts.  Just what was it that turned you to Voldemort?  That's one question to which I do not have the answers…no, I have to open it, or I will always wonder.  Just please,  let the contents be from the Peter I thought I knew, not from the Peter who betrayed us!

Remus cautiously opened the letter. He decided to wait to open the box until he had read Peter's words.  Taking a deep breath, he began to read.

**Hullo To Us All,**

**I really struggled with this one ( and yes, I can hear James laughing and saying, "little surprise." ).  I wasn't really sure what I was going to put in the box.  None of you gave any clues as to what you were putting in, so I was really stuck.**

**I guess you could say I'm grateful to you all for looking out for me at Hogwarts and for putting up with all my blunders.  I know I am not the most athletic of wizards like James or Sirius, or the hardest of workers like Remus, but I tried my best…well most of the time.**

**So, back to my problem.  I didn't know what to get, so I asked someone for advise.  Don't worry I didn't betray exactly what we were doing; I am not that daft!  This person told me that, "One is truly blessed if he is to encounter true friendship once in a lifetime, and that such friendships have been toasted by the bards throughout the ages."**

**Now, I guess you all understand my gift. Here's to us all, and to the memories of the Marauders.**

**Wormtail**

Remus found himself both relieved and intrigued by Peter's words.  Clearly, they were written by the Peter he thought he knew, the Peter he had once considered a brother. There was no hint of the betrayal to come in his words, but who was Peter's confidante?  The words of advise were truly insightful and wise, but they were also oddly familiar.  Remus could almost place their source; it was just on the edge of his mind, waiting to be grasped.  

Peter's confidante is destined to remain a mystery.  It's not a question I am likely to ask him should our paths ever cross again; there will be little need for conversation then.  What is it, though, that these words of wisdom inspired him to do?

With great trepidation, hands shaking, Remus charmed open the final box.  The contents were strange.  The first item to catch his eye was a bottle of mead; from the markings, he could tell that it came from The Three Broomsticks.  The other item was a gift-wrapped box bearing a seal that read: Revere Landsea, Purveyor of Fine Silver since 1665.  He opened the lid and was amazed at what he found inside: a finely wrought, silver goblet.  The base and stem were in the shape of a griffin sitting on its haunches, holding up the cup portion in its enormous paws.  The goblet itself had the words Marauders 1971-1979 encircling the entire goblet just under the lip.  Lastly, there were four figures carved around the cup: a rat, a wolf, a stag, and a dog.  It was a marvelous depiction of what had been.

Remus sat upon the hearthrug for a very long while, still spent from the transformation, and lost in the emotion of his newly unearthed treasures of the past.  Out of the anger, frustration, longing, and grief eventually arose a sense of acceptance and peace.  It wasn't as if he would never feel those emotions again, but he was finding new resolve to go on.  He was alive, and there was a future to fight for.   


	8. Coming Full Circle

Remus fingered an odd collection of items on his bookcase: a pile of letters, a ring, a diary, a set of keys, and a goblet. After today, they would no longer reside together on his top shelf. It was strange to think that the items, which had been bound together for 17 years, would now be separated. The question was, which would be going and which would be staying?  
  
After a long pause, Remus decided on what he would take with him. He placed two of the items in his overcoat pocket, and left his room. As apprehensive as he was about what he was going to say, he didn't want to be late for today's appointment.  
  
"You look like you're off in a hurry," said Emmeline Vance, as she met Remus in the vestibule of 12 Grimmauld Place.  
  
"I am in a bit of a rush. I want to walk to Diagon Alley. I could easily Apparate to The Leaky Cauldron, but..."  
  
"No need to explain, Remus. There are days when a stroll does you more good than all the elixirs in St. Mungo's," interrupted Emmeline with a smile. "Believe me, after I've worked with the Goblins as a translator all day, I have come to appreciate the value of a good head clearing stroll. I've learned if I walk quickly even (NEED GOOD GOBLIN NAME) can't keep up with me to pester me with more questions. They really have no concept of personal space."  
  
Remus chuckled at Emmeline's description. She was a lot wittier and more relaxed than the ever-present prefect watchdog she had been in their Hogwarts days. She and Lily had been great friends once. Her questions interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"So what are your plans, Remus, in case anyone needs to find you? I was going to ask if you would like some company on your walk, but you look like you want some time to yourself."  
  
"I was just about to leave a note. I'll be at the back room at Florean's," replied Remus.  
  
"Oh, the back room of the surreptitious man who collects more than just payment for ice cream," said Emmeline with a gleam in her eye, "He really is a splendid ally. Florean's is the perfect place for people to relax and say more than they should...all to the Order's benefit, of course."  
  
"It's fortunate that Draco spends a good deal of his spare time, and not to mention knuts in there. The information as to what is brewing in his and Narsissa's heads is priceless. Bellatrix isn't the only Black sister with teeth, and we would all be wise to remember that," Emmeline nodded her agreement as Remus continued, "Well my trip today is not purely business. Granted, I will be discussing any new news with Florean, but I am also meeting Harry."  
  
"I'd forgot he was to be in Diagon Alley today to get his school things," said Emmeline moving out of the doorway, "Harry must have been quite happy to have Arthur, Hermione, and Ron get him."  
  
Remus nodded as he remembered that once again Harry had been forced to spend the summer at Privot Drive due to security reasons. On that point, Albus had been adamant. At least, Ron and Hermione had been able to visit frequently thanks to a special floo connection that Arthur arranged. According to all reports, the Dursleys had kept to the agreement about allowing Harry to keep in touch, but one could hardly call them warm.  
  
"Well, I won't delay you any longer. Please say 'hello' to Harry for me, and tell him that I look forward to seeing him here at headquarters later," said Emmeline, as she closed the door behind Remus as he departed.  
  
As Remus went outside, he was relieved to have some solitude at last. Ordinarily, he didn't mind exchanging pleasantries with Emmeline, but today was different. The walk would give him time to reminisce and to think about his plans for the day. If there was one thing he could guarantee, it was that this day would not be uneventful.  
  
What a summer. So much has happened. I don't think any of us are the same. I know my life has changed. Harry's birthday was when I accepted that it was truly changed forever.  
  
The sadness and regret about Sirius' death came crashing in. Strange about grief...until you allow yourself to feel it, you can't accept what is to come. It's impossible to move on, no matter how hard you pretend. Putting on that stiff upper lip exterior fools no one, least of all you. That's all just a façade, an exterior. False wall crash hard, fast and take causalities. It's better to admit to feel something than to deny it's there, or you risk never feeling anything again.  
  
Good thing that Albus did not come to check on me for several hours the morning after the blue moon. He knew I needed the time... we both did...all those demons to face before we could really talk...and what a conversation that was.  
  
"Heavy is the head that wears the crown," I never fully appreciated the phrase, until Albus found me sitting there on the hearth rug of Gryffindor Tower surrounded by my unearthed treasures from the past. Perhaps the only person in the Order who strived to be strong and hide his pain any more than I was Albus. That conversation was a long and insightful journey full of healing for us both. His final words that day still ring in my ears.  
  
"It is the fool, Remus, who cannot admit he has blundered. The question is, how will we, you and I, meet our future?"  
  
I managed to organise the Order's memorial service for Sirius, albeit with Tonk's help. Fond memories of one most loyal were shared that day amidst the tears and laughter. It truly was a time for us to heal and to renew our bonds.  
  
Remus sighed and paused, realising he was at his destination.  
  
There was one missing; however, not a member of the Order officially, but someone upon whom all of our hopes lies.  
  
Remus at last entered the Leaky Cauldron and made his way through the pub, entering Diagon Alley through the back passage. On any other day he might have paused to look in Flourish and Blott's or at least in Catherine Byrne's Olde Booke Shoppe, where he had purchased many of the second-hand books on his shelves. Today's walk, however, was a direct one. He paused momentarily at the front door of Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour before entering.  
  
The time to face the next part of my life is almost here.  
  
Remus had barely closed the door when Florean promptly greeted him.  
  
"Good to see you, Remus," said Florean, shaking Remus' hand, "Business has been a little slow lately some of my more interesting customers haven't been in this week. Probably off on last minute holiday before the school term begins."  
  
As Florean escorted him to the back room, he let Remus know that Ron, Hermione and Harry were already there  
  
"Professor Lupin, How are you?" inquired Hermione, as Remus entered.  
  
"Good to see you again, Professor," said Ron, "I still wish we had you for our Dark Arts teacher this year. No one knows who it's going to be yet. Although, after last year, I don't reckon we could have anyone much worse."  
  
Harry said nothing; he just stood, nodded and gave a weak smile. Remus swallowed hard; this really was going to be just as difficult as he had imagined.  
  
Ron looked between Remus and Harry and then broke the tension by saying brightly, "Hermione and I have some more things to get, so we'll just be going-"  
  
Hermione, quick as usual caught on to Ron's lead, "That's right, there are those new quills for calligraphy that I have been wanting, and I did actually promise Ron he could show me a few things in Quality Quidditch Supplies to help me better appreciate the game." She grabbed Ron's arm as they made a hasty exit.  
  
All right. Now that we are by ourselves, how do I start this conversation?  
  
"Do you mind if I sit down, Harry?" Remus asked, motioning to the chairs at the room's only table.  
  
"Yes, sir..I mean no, sir." replied Harry sitting down as well.  
  
Why is Harry so uncomfortable around me? Have I done something to put him ill at ease? Granted, I haven't seen him this summer, but neither have any of the other members of the Order save for Arthur.  
  
"I heard the Durselys took our advice to heart, and have been treating you well," said Remus hopefully.  
  
"I guess so," stated Harry, looking at the table.  
  
Remus tried a different approach to break the ice, "I'm sure you were relieved that Ron and Hermione were able to see you frequently?"  
  
"That was good," replied Harry, now playing with the edge of the tablecloth.  
  
Terrific! I seem only able to provoke three word answers. This just doesn't make sense. No one warned me that Harry was this sullen. If he were wallowing in melancholy surely Hermione would have mentioned something.  
  
"You are quite fortunate to have friends as good as Ron and Hermione. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how valuable true friends are," said Remus, trying not to force the issue but hoping that Harry would at least look at him.  
  
Well, if he won't talk to me, maybe he'll at least talk to Ron and Hermione.  
  
Harry looked up at Remus, "I...I know that," he then quickly looked down again, "I know I can always count on them."  
  
I just don't understand why...unless...Oh no! It can't be that. Do I remind him too much of Sirius? Does he blame me for holding him back at the Department of Mysteries? If that is true than I am doing nothing here but adding to his pain. I may be ready to talk, but at sixteen, maybe he isn't.  
  
Remus rose as he spoke, "I know you must be anxious to rejoin you friends Harry. Don't let me keep you. I could ask Florean to walk you over to the- "  
  
"I am so sorry, Professor Lupin!" interrupted Harry, nearly knocking over his chair as he stood. He blinked his eyes, barely holding back the tears.  
  
"Harry what?" asked Remus more confused than ever.  
  
"Please just let me say it, all of it. I never thought that it could be a trick; if only I had listened to Hermione! I really thought he was in danger and I couldn't reach anyone in the Order. I never meant to risk any of you, you have to believe that." Harry was no longer to keep the sobs in control as he forged on, " I know you mustn't think much of me; I let everyone down. I took your best friend from you..." Harry choked up, obviously unable go on. He sank, hunched over, into his chair.  
  
Remus was stunned. He had guessed Harry would feel many things about their meeting, but not this. He knelt in front of the chair where Harry sat hunched over with his head in his hands. Remus put a gentle but firm hand on Harry's heaving shoulders and began to speak softly.  
  
"Harry, you owe me no apology. What is done is done. We could spend an eternity blaming each other, Voldermort, Professor Dumbledore or even Sirius himself for what happened and it wouldn't change anything. It took me almost this entire summer to come to that realisation."  
  
Harry's shoulders had stopped heaving up and down. Remus sensed that Harry was listening at least. He continued in a slow and steady voice.  
  
"The time we all have is too short together, Harry, to waste it on blame and guilt. We all have the right to be angry, to doubt ourselves, to wish things were different; but at some point, we just have to stop, and grieve, and accept what has happened."  
  
Harry at last looked up questioningly into Remus' eyes.  
  
"Don't misunderstand me, Harry. We don't have to like it or even think that it's fair, because it isn't. But what we do have to do is accept it, or we'll go stark raving mad. Where regret and fear and what if live, there is no room for love and comfort. A life devoid of love is something I wish on no one."  
  
Remus paused there. He didn't even know how he had found those words he had just uttered. He had come to Florean's unsure of how to give Harry items that were rightly his. The turn this discussion had taken was unexpected.  
  
"Professor,' Harry began tentatively, "did you really mean what you said?"  
  
"Every word of it, Harry. I meant every word," Remus paused before shifting to sit in the vacant chair next to Harry. "I'd like to speak to you about some other things from my past, if it's all right with you."  
  
Harry nodded his assent as his looked intently at Remus.  
  
Remus began the tale of the Marauder's forest pledge of so many years ago. As he went on, Remus noticed that Harry was hanging on his every word. It occurred to Remus that not even Sirius had ever really had the chance to talk to Harry about their school days, or more importantly about Lily and James. He was now the only close link to Harry's past.  
  
He has to know more about Lily and James, and how much they loved him! I had to be more active in Harry's life. He needs to know where he came from and how proud his parents would be of him today.  
  
As Remus related to Harry what each of the boxes contained and what each of the Marauders was thinking all those years ago, Harry seemed even more transfixed. This was especially true when Remus read to him aloud from James and Sirius' own letters. How Remus kept his composure as he relived all of it, he truly didn't know. Finally, as he came to the end of his story, he knew that time to give Harry his gift from the past had come.  
  
"Harry, I have with me some of the things I just told you about," Remus reached into his pocket and drew out the items he had placed there earlier, "Here are the spare keys to Sirius' motorbike and the letter explaining their significance. I know he would want you to have them. After coming from the Durleys, I know you understand how much Sirius valued the freedom and friendship that these keys represent."  
  
Harry was clearly trying to swallow a lump in his throat as he accepted the gift. He held the keys reverently, tracing their pattern with his fingers.  
  
"This next item is yours by birthright, Harry. I think I can safely say that you are now what your great-grandfather hoped James would become when he gave this ring to him. Clearly you know what it means to live with honour and bravery. I know I don't have to tell you to treasure this and to live up its legacy," said Remus, as he handed the ring and corresponding letter to Harry.  
  
Harry hesitated only a moment before carefully putting the ring on his own hand. The golden Gryffindor lion with the ruby eyes glittered in the room's light. As if by instinct, Harry had put it on the same finger of the same hand on which James always wore the ring.  
  
Harry looked up at Remus as he spoke, at first haltingly, and then with resolve, "I will never forget what this ring means. It is more than just an heirloom; I guess you could say it is part of a legacy that I wish I knew more about. Could you...would you...I mean if I want-"  
  
Remus seemed to read Harry's mind at once. "Harry, anytime you want to talk to me, I give you my word I'll do my very best to be there. Truth be told, I enjoy talking about your parents and Sirius and our past as much as you enjoy listening."  
  
The conversation was then interrupted by a soft knock at the rear door. The sprightly voice of Hestia Jones could be heard on the other side.  
  
"Remus, Harry, are you two in there? I ran into Emmeline, and she told me you would be here. May I come in?"  
  
Harry nodded as Remus answered, "We're here Hestia, the door is unlocked."  
  
Hestia smiled at the two of them as she entered. She had clearly come from her portrait studio since there were still flecks of paint in her long hair.  
  
"Any interesting clients today, Hestia?" asked Remus.  
  
"Well, not today, but I am working on getting Narcissa Malfoy to sit for a portrait. I have just painted her best friend Minaura Synde and you know how she loves to keep up with the top society witches. I am sure it just is a matter of time before she calls, and I begin my "work". It is amazing what people will idly discuss while their portrait is being done," Hestia stopped there to come up for air. She could talk a mile a minute once she got started.  
  
"Just make sure you remember to charm the paint properly, Hestia, if she consents to a portrait. We want Narsissa's portrait to spy for us, not the other way around," Remus stated teasingly.  
  
"I know what I am doing, Remus, really! Anyway, I'm in a bit of a rush today, but I wanted to give you both something before I go," Hestia paused as she reached in to her deep pockets. She handed Harry and Remus identical wrapped squares about the size of Remus old prefect's badge.  
  
"What are they?" asked Harry, taking his present from Hestia.  
  
"Well, if you open them, you will see," said Hestia with a nervous smile. "Tonks said that the two of you would still like them even if, under the circumstances, the portrait won't move."  
  
Remus knew instantly who was in the painting. There was only one reason for a portrait not to move---if the subject was painted posthumously.  
  
With shaking hands, Remus opened his gift. There, in a tiny gilt frame was Sirius smiling a swarthy smile as if he had just pulled off a grand prank. Harry's picture was identical. For several moments not a sound was uttered, but it was not an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"Thank you, Hestia," responded Harry, at last breaking the quiet. "I don't know what else to say."  
  
Remus at last found his own words, "Indeed, Hestia, thank you. It hardly seems enough to merely say 'thank you.' It's beautiful ... it looks just like him. Thank you."  
  
"Well, I'm glad you like them," said Hestia, blushing from their praise as she left.  
  
After a few moments of silence Harry spoke. "Professor, I know you said that you'd answer any questions I had about my parents and Sirius. It's that sometimes...well, Ron and Hermione are great, but...I just need to talk to someone else. I used to be able to owl Sirius, or he'd just seem to pop up in the fire when I needed him."  
  
"I can never be what Sirius was to you Harry, but I'll try my best to be there for you in whatever way you need," Remus paused considering his next words a minute and then continued. "Harry, I know you only remember me as your teacher, but a long time ago when you were a baby I was just Remus. Actually it was just "Re" that you could get out, but you knew who I was. I'd be very honoured if you would consider calling me that again."  
  
There was silence for a moment before Harry responded, "I think I would like that, it might be a little strange at first, but I really would like that," Harry paused before continuing with a mischievous grin that made him look very much like James. "I think I can manage the 'Re", but I'll have to work on pronouncing the 'mus'."  
  
"Fair enough, Harry," said Remus chuckling. "Are you ready to walk with me back to Headquarters? We could talk some more on the way."  
  
"Sure," said Harry. "Just give me a minute to find Ron and Hermione to tell them that I'll be going back with you."  
  
As Harry left, Remus felt as if a new chapter in his life had begun. He had traveled a strange and difficult path this summer: one of pain, anger, denial, grief, and now healing and peace. For the first time in months, perhaps years he was at peace.  
  
I couldn't have done things any differently these past months, in a way I found myself again. One day at a time, I found my life and a purpose again. 


End file.
